Dear Vincent
by Magnetic Luck
Summary: For all of the words I wanted to say yet never found the strength to utter. I leave you this letter Vincent Valentine, in the hopes that one day you'll find it in your heart to forgive me for the crimes I committed against you.


Vincent, dear sweet Vincent,

I don't even know where to begin to look for the words you deserve. I want to tell you I'm sorry. I want to be able to look you in the eye and explain truthfully what I did and why I did it, but I can't. I'm too ashamed to dare glance upon the face that once brought such comfort to me. 'Sorry' is just a word. It doesn't mean anything. It can't undo any of the things I did, or take back any of the words I said. It's closure in the most basic sense, but it's as damnable as the sins I committed under the guise of science.

I should never have met you. I don't even think I would've done if it hadn't been for Grimoire. You and he, you're so alike. You have the same smile and the same strong will. You never back down, but nor do you continue to fight when an opponent raises their arms in surrender. I wish I'd surrendered to your father sooner. I wish I hadn't pushed him into diving into his research. It was my fault he died, Vincent. It was my mistake that cost him his life. Perhaps if I'd been more restrained and used my common sense, we could've taken the proper precautions to make sure the area was safe. He wouldn't have had to protect me. It's my fault. He died because of me.

For that alone you should hate me. I destroyed what was left of your family, and you didn't even care. You treated me like a friend, like a person instead of a gimmick. To you, I was a human being instead of another scientific drone to carry out the work of Shinra. I don't think I ever thanked you for that. I was only ever alive when I was with you. You gave me a purpose and a reason to carry on. I used to think that maybe we'd be together forever. That one day, you'd sweep me off my feet and we'd just elope into the sunset to get married and have a small army of pint-sized Valentines.

I never meant to hurt you. I only ever wanted what was best for us both. There's too much of Grimoire in you. When I looked into your eyes, I saw him. I saw the teacher I respected and I felt guilty. What if my carelessness ended up costing you your life? What if I destroyed the last surviving member of a great line? I didn't want to lose you, but I didn't want to see you hurt either. That's why we were never meant to be, Vincent. That's why, despite living the happiest months of my entire life, with you at my side, I decided it was easier and safer to sever all ties entirely and stop before we lived to regret it.

I didn't see you as much after that. Even around the office, it was only in passing. I missed being able to talk to you, just like I missed being able to watch you smile and hold your hand. You left a void in the middle of my chest, a hole in my heart that nobody else could ever dream to fill. It as of my own making, I know it was, but I had to find a way to fill it. I had to fall in love again to try and forget you. I wish I could tell you that Hojo was the one for me. I wish I could say that we were blissfully in love and were ready to spend the rest of our lives together… but he was never going to be you.

I still hoped though, like an idiot, that perhaps some divine miracle would see to it that love's course ran smooth. When he asked me to marry him, I said yes because I thought it was the best way to move on. We could've been happy couldn't we? It wasn't so far a stretch of the truth was it? To believe, naively in the happy ending that all little girls craved for? Ultimately my fairytale turned into a nightmare, and perhaps I deserved it. I was a killer, a heartbreaker, a woman destined to forever be sentenced and exiled to a life alone.

I thought a pregnancy would change things. I thought that maybe it would bring Hojo and I closer together, but it didn't. Instead, I sacrificed my dignity and my will to become another pet project simply to appease him. I forsook my right to be a mother that day. No good parent would ever sacrifice their child. He deserved a proper family, with people that loved him. I wished every day that he was yours Vincent. You would've been an amazing father. Strong and attentive, loving but firm. I don't think I ever told you, but I think you already knew.

Perhaps it was in the looks you gave me when you were left listening to me cry. Maybe it was in the way you held my hand and rocked me to sleep when I was too ill to stand. But I always felt like you knew what I dreamt of and what I wished I could reverse. I loved you with all of my heart, and I still ended up hurting you in every single thing that I did, yet you didn't shy away. Why didn't you tell me to go? Why didn't you push me away and spare yourself the heartache?

You died because of me. You died, because my jealous husband shot you for trying to be my friend. What kind of madness is that? We shouldn't have met, you shouldn't have been so nice! Why couldn't you be cruel Vincent? Why couldn't you be like everyone else and turn your back on the people that were no good for you? You wouldn't have died then. I wouldn't have had to see you lying in a pool of blood with the man I'd sworn a vow too still holding a smoking gun.

I had to give you back your life. I had to find a way to save you from the mess I'd created. You couldn't be Grimoire. You had to be stronger, you had to live! If I'd know what Chaos would do to you, perhaps I would have thought twice. I should've known better, but I wanted so much for you to be here. I wanted to see your smile and feel your breath on my face. I wanted you to start again, somewhere far away and live the life you actually deserved. Maybe you could've had the idyllic life. Maybe you could've fallen in love and found your piece of heaven. I guess we'll never know, because all I seem to have done is forever sentenced you to a life of torment and agonising struggles.

I failed you, just like I failed Sephiroth. I never even got to hold my son or even see his face. Part of me still wishes I had done, and that by some miracle it was your eyes staring back at me. I know it's only a foolish dream, but the question of 'what if' is the one torturing me so ardently now. What if we'd been married Vincent? What if it had been our son instead of his? Would we have been happy? Or would I have found another way to hurt you in the long run? I don't think I can live with the guilt of this anymore. I can't stay here, not when I know any day now you'll wake up and learn the truth of what I am.

I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to kiss you one last time and tell you from the bottom of this beaten and broken heart that I'm sorry. But I'm not strong enough. I'm too afraid and too ashamed of every bad decision I've made in this lifetime. I don't deserve to look at you or find redemption in the final touch of your lips. I deserve every ounce of guilt I carry, and then half a dozen more. I'll be gone by the time you read this, far away from the place I seem to have caused so much heartache and damage. I'll never forget you Vincent Valentine.

You were the single greatest thing that ever happened to me.

- Lucrecia


End file.
